Archives For Intentional Parent

Want innovation & progress–then embrace uncertainty

Dwayne Harapnuik —  May 8, 2014 — Leave a comment

We crave explanations for most everything, but innovation and progress happen when we allow ourselves to embrace uncertainty.

Simon Sinek’s Notes to Inspire May 8, 2014

Sinek’s latest note is particular salient because for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about the statement, “people don’t move enough” my wife made after we attended an orientation session for an organization that we are considering supporting. She was commenting on the lack of openness toward change that was being expressed explicitly and subtly by a few people in the group we had just met.

The details of the situation aren’t nearly important as the fact that staying in the same community, job, situation etc. for long periods of time can result in a attitude of, “not in my back yard” or “that is not the way we do things around here” or worse “we really don’t want more people coming to our area”. In contrast, moving puts you in a position of uncertainty and exposes you to different cultures and circumstances. Moving also helps you to realize what your priorities should be and to focus on what is really important because you become one of those people who is infringing on someone else’s back yard and you have to learn how to deal with those dynamics.

While a physical move forces you into adapting to different circumstances you don’t have to physically move to adopt an attitude that will help you embrace change and uncertainty. The choice is ours. The choice is also ours to model this type of adaptive attitude and lifestyle to our children.

In Change, Intentional Parent
permalink

Race toward the bottom – illustrated

Dwayne Harapnuik —  May 6, 2014 — Leave a comment

Entrepreneurs decline

When I saw this chart I immediately thought of Seth Godin’s Blog post The race to the bottom in which he cautioned against cutting corners or squeezing every penny out of the market or driving cost and services down in order to be competitive. He also cautioned that someone will always find a cheeper or more brutal way and that the problem with racing toward the bottom is that you might win. Perhaps this is the problem with US startups and small business.

In the Washington post article Christopher Ingraham doesn’t offer any insights into why this chart shows that US businesses are being destroyed faster then they are being created so I am only speculating that the race toward the bottom model of competition that so many North American small businesses are using is a contributing factor to this increase in failure. Once again I am only speculating but when ones options for purchasing necessary products are reduced to equally poor quality items from Walmart or Canadian Tire you know that the race toward to bottom is in the final stretch. We, the consumer only have ourselves to blame for supporting this race to poor quality and service.

I know I am complicit and have unfortunately done my share to support this race to the bottom but perhaps there is still time to support quality and the pursuit of better and those local people and businesses who are striving to offer quality and who are part of our communities.

In Intentional Parent , , ,
permalink

Unmeet expectations as opportunities for growth

Dwayne Harapnuik —  March 28, 2014 — Leave a comment

expectations_baby
Every once in a while we get insights or previews into the type of character that our children are developing.

My boys spent the other day with friends riding the Down Hill race course and other trails near Roberts Creek on the Sunshine Coast in BC. They have both watched many Costal Crew videos and read stories about the trail building and the possibility of a lift operated bike park being build in the area so they had relatively high expectations for the area and their experience. When I asked both boys how their day was they both said they had a great time and enjoyed the riding. The also relayed their humorous crash stories and talked about the highlights of the day.

When I asked them what they thought of the Sunshine Coast as a riding destination, their responses revealed a level of maturity that made me proud. Levi stated that his expectations for the area were too high and that other than going back for the race next month and perhaps checking out the bike park runs he probably wouldn’t spend the time and money going back. Despite his expectations not being met, he was very glad that he went and had a chance to see the race course and is working on a strategy to prepare for the race. In general he thinks the Sunshine Cost area is a fun place to ride but it really wasn’t steep, technical and challenging enough.

Similarly, Caleb’s expectations for the area were also much higher but he also had a good day of riding. He commented on the old growth forest that was amazing to see and smell and despite the lack of steep elevation he found that there were enough jumps and stunts to keep him entertained. He really like the way dirt felt and packed and it was great to not have to deal with as many rocks and roots as you have to deal with in most other locations. Like his brother, Caleb was also glad to get a preview of the race course and recognized that he will have to work hard on getting ready for the 60 second peddling sprint at the top of the course. Both boys realized just how flat several sections of the race course were and just how much sprinting/peddling they will have to do to place or win.

Despite not having their expectations met at the Sunshine Coast both boys still had a wonderful time and easily listed several very positive aspects of this riding location. Rather than allow the disappointment of unmet expectations cloud their day they made the best of the location and appreciated it for what it had to offer. They chose to make the most of the day and took advantage of the positive and unique aspects of the location.

It is my hope that the lessons that they learn on these types of riding days will transfer to other parts of their life. I know from personal experience if I am not careful just how easy it is for me to drop into a foul mood when I have to deal with unmet expectations. It is also my hope that these opportunities to deal with unmet expectations in a positive way will contribute to building my boys character.

In Intentional Parent ,
permalink

How to prevent the stress of a move from killing you

Dwayne Harapnuik —  March 24, 2014 — Leave a comment

We all have heard that moving can be as stressful as death in the family, divorce or other major life changing event. Considering the number of times we have moved in the past several years we have heard this from many different people. When you review the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale listed on the cliving.org site and tally up the factors that go into a move like: business readjustment, change in financial state, change to a different line of work, change of responsibilities at work, change of living conditions, change in residence, leaving friendships and support networks, and so on you will see that a move can tally up very high on the scale. Therefore, it is crucial to do what ever one can to reduce or limit the stress level of a move. Perhaps one of the most effective ways to do this is to remember WHY you are moving in the first place and make sure that you don’t loose site of this key factor.

Well, we are moving once again. This time we are moving from the house sitting arrangement that we had in North Vancouver to our rental house. We had our container of personal possessions that we hadn’t see for the past 9 months delivered and with the help of friends we unloaded the contents in a couple of hours. This is always the easiest part of the move and the hard and stressful part of moving is unpacking and setting up the house and garage.

So far this move has been less stressful than others primarily because we are working hard to remember why we are here in North Vancouver—which is to give our boys the opportunity improve their downhill racing skills and eventually turn professional. With this “why” in mind we have managed to lessen the stress on the boys and us significantly. Keeping our focus in mind has also helped us make what has turned out to be several wise decisions. We took possession of the new rental home early so that we could take time to get bedrooms and the kitchen set up to the point where we could live. The extra time will also allow us to go back to the house were just living at and clean up at a pace that will ensure that we limit the stress and still do a good job. Another wise move had more to do with serendipity then it did with planning.

As soon as I knew when we would get possession of the house I started searching for a trampoline and managed to located one that we picked up and set up the second day of the move. The couple of hours we spent which included driving out to the site, disassembling the trampoline and then returning and re-assemble the trampoline have contributed so significantly to our boys positive attitude. Instead of having the boys slog through unpacking we let them spend a couple of hours practicing their tail whips, tables, bar spins and all the other tricks that they are working to add to their repertoire of biking stunts. Not only are they getting a wonderful workout on the trampoline they are working together, encouraging each other and are having fun during the move. When they come back in to do work they perform at a higher and more efficient level; there really has been no time lost.

In addition to allowing the boys to take long breaks on the trampoline, we have also been shuttling the boys up and down Cyprus mountain so that they get in their riding time. I have to be honest that I would much rather buckle down and get everything unpacked and get the shop and the house set up but we did come out to North Vancouver so that the boys could work on their riding skills. Levi and Caleb has been weight training, road biking and unlike most teenage boys, have started eliminating junk food from their diets and have been learning how to eat for performance. When you factor in their home education high school studies they are very busy and already living in a stressful state preparing for the up coming race season. Therefore, when the weather is clear and they get a phone call from a friend who wants to ride in the afternoon we not only say yes but either Marilyn or I will shuttle the boys and their friends up the mountain. It is a matter of priorities.

Finally, when you consider that the boxes have sat in the container for the past 9 months—sitting a couple more hours or days in the house or garage before they get unpacked isn’t going to make that much difference. YES, this state of disorder is driving Marilyn and I nuts and if we let it, the stress can build. But when you get a thumbs up from your son as you watch him do tricks on the trampoline or when the boys and their friends ride up to the truck dripping in sweat and mud and pull off their helmets to reveal huge grins of satisfaction and you hear them laugh and talk about the great ride down you know you are doing the right thing.

Therefore, the best way to deal with the stress of moving is to simply remember why you have made the move and keep the bigger more important goals in mind.

In Intentional Parent ,
permalink

How to Kill the Desire to Try

Dwayne Harapnuik —  February 14, 2014 — Leave a comment

mistakes-Elbert-Hubbard

Source: QuotesThoughts.com

A few days ago I was reminded of the power of mistakes and how our responses to mistakes can be downright destructive to our learning environment and to our relationships. I also learned that reminding people of errors they have made in the past is detrimental to a relationship and the learning environment in the present.

Here is the backstory to these two insights…

My family took in an interesting talk and on the way home from the event I was casually quizzing my two boys to see if they were paying attention and to hear what they learned. My first error was to ask my boys questions that were superficial and informational. I seldom ask shallow questions and I generally am looking for something much deeper like an application, so my questions were not typical. My older son was very apprehensive in answering and after I directly challenged him, he informed me that he was hesitant to answer because he didn’t want me to make him “feel stupid” if he got the answer wrong. He knew the answer, but because I generally go much deeper he thought there was a string attached or it was a trick question. I saw the pain in his expression and I immediately knew that the issue wasn’t about the question; it was actually the festering response to a situation that happened a couple of days earlier. I immediately apologized to Levi and all I had to say was “the bearings” and he nodded his head in reference to the connection.

Levi and I were replacing the pivot bearings on his Commencal race bike and as he was pressing the main pivot bearing into the frame he wasn’t as careful as usual and the bearing was lodged in the frame incorrectly. Since the frame is aluminium and the bearing is hardened steel the potential for damage to the frame was significant, so my reaction reflected my alarm and I immediately got Levi to stop and we used the bearing puller to remove the bearing. There was a small groove in the pivot hole but the damage was not significant enough to adversely effect the performance of the frame. Levi knew he made a mistake and while I didn’t yell at or discipline Levi in any way, I did rant a bit about the need to be really careful and reminded him that an error like this could damage the $3500 frame. When I realized the frame damage wasn’t that significant I patted Levi on the back and said “we dodged a bullet” and we proceed to finish installing the main pivot bearing and the remaining bearings.

I assumed all was well because my boys have worked with me ever since they were small so I thought that Levi was used to my animated responses to problems or mistakes regardless of who was responsible. My reaction and comical statement, “shouldn’t have done that,” has been the same whether I or someone else makes the error, so I didn’t think that my reaction would have made Levi feel badly about the situation. Unfortunately, my reaction and reminder of his mistake made Levi “feel stupid” and because I missed this while we were working, this feeling of inadequacy was allowed to grow. Levi knew the value of the frame and he knew he made a mistake—I didn’t need to remind him to be careful. By reminded him of his error I treated him like a child, not a young man who is pursuing his dream and who values his bike. I spent the afternoon pondering how I was going to make this right with my son.

After Levi came back from his training session at the gym we had a talk and I again apologized for my reaction and for reminding him about the error. I also thanked him for being courageous enough to tell me that I had made him “feel stupid” and I gave him permission to remind me any time I started to stray into this territory with my actions and words. I reminded him of the talk we had when he and his brother were much younger and I gave them permission to say, “dad, you are taking the fun out this,” any time I got too carried away or too serious with their recreational activities. Levi smiled and said he would let tell me when I was blowing a situation out of proportion or reminding him of something he already knew. The strong hug and his hard slap on my back confirmed that we were OK.

Lessons learned:

  1. Informational or shallow questions can be an insult to our responsible children and learners. If you can look the answer up on Google then don’t insult your learners by asking it.
  2. Mistakes are a huge part of learning and reminding our children or learners of these errors when they already have learned from the mistake is not helpful. We can actually make our children or learners “feel stupid” or worse, make them hesitant to try. I am fortunate enough to have a relationship with my son where we could have a heart to heart talk and fix the situation with a strong hug, but you can’t always do that with your students—so it is best to try and prevent it. However, an apology to your class or specific learner will go a long way in resolving this issue. We need to make our learners feel safe enough to try, make mistakes and learn from them, not put them in a position where they are hesitant to even try to learn for fear of “feeling stupid”.
  3. Finally, letting your children or students know that even you make mistakes and are humble enough to apologize for the error of your ways lets them know that this just part of the the learning process.

Despite knowing how important errors are to learning I still struggle with being hard on myself and others around me when dealing with mistakes. Am I the only one with this problem?

In Intentional Parent , , , , , ,
permalink