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The Next Part of the Journey

Dwayne Harapnuik — January 27, 2014 — Leave a comment

This past weekend my older son Levi went away to Whistler for a training camp and coaching session with Todd Schumlick the PeformX Commencal Racing Team Coach. This was a big weekend, not only for Levi, but for my wife and me. Receiving coaching and direction from a highly acclaimed Canada and World Cup DownHill Racing coach was obviously the high point of the weekend for Levi, but for his mother and me the fact that Levi did this on his own — he drove up to Whistler, found the gym, met up with Todd, trained and learned all weekend and drove back – was also a big step in helping our son grow into a young man. The best part of the weekend for me was the talk I had with Levi when he returned. His answer to my question: What was the main thing that you took away from the weekend, confirm that he definitely is growing into an insightful and focused young man. The following highlights are copied directly from Levi’s PerformX Training Camp blog post:

I need to do it on my own.
Nobody can get stronger or faster but myself.
I need to put the time and effort into training.

In addition to recognizing that he is personally responsible for his success or failure he also recognizes that he has to do the work. Starting tomorrow, Levi begins a very focused nine week weight and cardio regime complete with monitoring his heart rate on the base building rides and also intense interval training. He will also be learning about and implementing a nutritional plan and rounding out his work by focusing on building his metal toughness by studying In Pursuit of Excellence. All this is on top of his final semester of grade twelve in which he has to complete English, Math and Biology 30.

Perhaps the most exciting part about this whole experience is that this is Levi’s choice, his commitment and his opportunity to move a few steps closer to his big dream. Witnessing your son start down the path of significant delayed gratification that leads to an extreme goal is exciting but it is also sobering. He recognizes that he needs to do the work on building his strength, skill and mental fortitude on his own and that he needs to put the time and effort into training, but I also hope he has learned that he is not alone. Todd is coaching him toward the World Cup podium but that doesn’t mean that our job as parents is diminished in any way. On the contrary, supporting Levi in this new journey will more than likely be even more challenging than what we have faced so far. Fortunately, we are not alone either. With our faith in God, the support of our family and friends and the fact that over the many years of changes and moves we have experienced Divine serendipity, I think that the next few years of Levi’s and the Harapnuik family’s journey will be interesting and exciting, to say the least.

In Intentional Parent commitment, growth

Carpe Diem – Seize the Day!

Dwayne Harapnuik — January 23, 2014 — Leave a comment

Source: Downloaded from 22 of the Most Powerful Quotes of Our Time

As part of my boys English 30 studies we watched Dead Poets Society and I was reminded of the power of the movie’s message and am also very relieved to know that I had seized the day after I had first watched this move and have been doing so ever since. More importantly I have passed on this belief to my boys.

In 1989 when I first watched Dead Poets Society I was still a single man, had not attended University and didn’t have the slightest inkling of where I would be in 25 years. I did believe this notion of Carpe Diem – Seizing the Day was one of the most important principles I could follow. I also believed Robin William’s character Keating when he stated:

“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

Even though the movie is 25 years old and was set in the late 50’s or early 60’s its message is so relevant and needed today. It is also sobering to realize that the pressure to conform, work hard at school and become a doctor, lawyer, engineer or other professional have not changed. Watching this movie could not have come at a better time.

Carpe Diem is wonderful and exciting to see acted on out on the big screen but as we also saw in the movie it can be very difficult to live out. While these real life consequences need not be as drastic as the suicide which we saw in the main character Neil, they can be significant enough to discourage people from seizing the day or second guess all decisions or actions that lean toward this ideal.

I have been concerned that in my desire to raise my boys to seize the day and be passionate about life and to pursue their dreams that I really haven’t really given them this choice. They have grown up this way and really don’t know any other way–have I really given them a choice. I was raised in the same way that most of the characters in the movie were raised and rebelled against societal conformity, conventions and norms but it was my choice.

Perhaps I need not worry. Watching Dead Poets Society reminded me of how pervasive and powerful the notion of conformity is today as it was fifty years ago. All my boys friends are being pressured to work hard at school, go to University and get a good career. This pressure is everywhere around them. They too have the choice to conform and do what society expects. Seizing the day is a very difficult choice and it is one that can only be made by the individual. As much as I would like to believe that I have raised my boys to believe and live this way it is still their choice.

Maybe the best thing a parent can give their children is the choice. Are we giving our children a choice? Are we we listening to them? Will they be able to look back at what was and not ponder what could have been?

In Intentional Parent Carpe Diem, choice, conformity, opportunity

Stress or Passion – You Choose

Dwayne Harapnuik — January 17, 2014 — Leave a comment

Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress; working hard for something we love is called passion. Simon Sinek

This quote from Sinek is so timely. My oldest son Levi is working hard at becoming a professional Down Hill mountain bike racer and part of his quest is developing a net presence which includes an extensive blog, Youtube channel, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook following and much more. Until he made the connection between having this social profile and getting sponsored and other forms of recognition it was a challenge to get him to add good quality content to his blog on a regular basis.

Now that he sees the connection between his social presence and getting closer to his goal the hard work is no longer stressful for him or me. Last night we spent a solid 90+ minutes working on updating his Racing Resume. What we accomplished in that 90+ minutes of committed passion could have taken days to accomplish without this focused motivation. I don’t even think my son realized how much hard work he put into his site last night. It was just what he needed to get closer to his ultimate goal.

Cultivating you children’s passion goes so far to reduce stress in their lives and yours.

In Intentional Parent cultivate, motivation, passion, stress

Would your mother let you do this at home?

Dwayne Harapnuik — December 6, 2013 — 2 Comments

If you have or had children who played with other children at their homes or in a other locations other than your own, the question “Would your mother let you do this at home?” is often used by the host or concerned parent as a gentle way to deter activities in children other than their own that they are uncomfortable with. For many of these parents who said this to the Harapnuik brothers their answer most often was…Yes!

The picture above is of the living room of our current home in North Vancouver and as you can see the traditional use of the living room has been supplanted by the Harapnuik brother’s bike repair shop. If you look beyond the obvious, these boys have too many expensive bikes (…and their road bikes aren’t in the picture), and try to understand who lives this way one might assume that this is just a bachelor pad and the boys are living by themselves or with other young males who have very different or unconventional priorities. No, my wife and I also live here.

You may then assume that this family and perhaps the parents don’t appreciate the finer things in life and are very tolerant of disorder. You would be wrong again because the picture below of our living room in our house in Texas clearly shows that we do have a taste for the finer things in life. Take a few minutes to view all the pictures of hour house in Texas and you will clearly see we do appreciate a fine home and that my wife is a wonderful decorator – Saddle Creek Estates house in Texas.

The picture of our boys using our living room as bike shop demonstrates just how committed their mother is in supporting their dreams and how much she believes in them. I often wax eloquently about creating significant learning environments but in this single act of allowing her boys to use a very special space in our/her home as their repair shop (we currently don’t have a garage) she is telling our sons that their dreams of becoming professional racers/riders are significant and that she will do what she can to help build the environment that will help them to achieve those dreams. For anyone who knows my wife Marilyn you know just how much she loves to have people over, so to give up this valuable meeting space is not something that she would do without significant motivation.

It is my hope that my boys appreciate the sacrifice and the commitment that their mother has made toward supporting them in their goals. It is also my hope that the modelling of support and commitment that a family needs to make is a value that my boys catch and bring to their own families in the future. My wife’s flexibility in our living space, her willingness to shuttle the boys and their friends up the mountain and then wait for them to ride down and then do this over and over again, and her modelling the commitment and sacrifice it takes to achieve very big dreams are key factors in being an intentional parent.

I have been writing about being an intentional father for the past several months and now I realize that without my wonderful wife’s commitment and support I would not be able to do what I do and I finally recognize I should be talking about becoming an intentional parent NOT just an intentional father. I have been talking the talk about being an intentional parent and my wife has been walking the walk or being an intentional parent. This is demonstrated so clearly by the answer to the question – Would your mom let you do this at home. My boys can answer – Yes she does and so much more.

In Intentional Parent commitment, dreams, environment, goals, support

Respect begets respect: A value that is caught, not taught.

Dwayne Harapnuik — December 3, 2013 — Leave a comment

In a matter of seconds a wonderful time of father and son collaboration and sharing went from warmth and respect to anxiety and frustration. Unfortunately, my son was on the receiving end of my wrath and the image above only conveys a portion of the frustration I put upon him. As we can see from the Bible verse Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged (Colossians 3:21 NIV) and the following from C. S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves, I am unfortunately not alone in this:

We hear a great deal about the rudeness of the rising generation. I am an oldster myself and might be expected to take the oldsters’ side, but in fact I have been far more impressed by the bad manners of parents to children than by those of children to parents.

Who has not been the embarrassed guest at family meals where the father or mother treated their grown-up offspring with an incivility which, offered to any other young people, would simply have terminated the acquaintance?

Dogmatic assertions on matters which the children understand and their elders don’t, ruthless interruptions, flat contradictions, ridicule of things the young take seriously — sometimes of their religion — insulting references to their friends, all provide an easy answer to the question, “Why are they always out? Why do they like every house better than their home?” Who does not prefer civility to barbarism? (p. 42).

Fortunately, from my son’s face I recognized the hurt and frustration that I had caused and took a moment or two to consider that I was the source of this anguish and I apologized. The source or cause of this event really doesn’t matter because I was just wrong.

If I expect my teenage son to grow into a compassionate man who is aware of his impact on people and is respectful of others I need to model this behaviour and this means admitting when I am wrong and asking for forgiveness. We all react in ways that we later regret or say things that we know we shouldn’t have–it is what we do immediately following an outburst or error in judgment that will determine the lasting impact of that event. If we are able to acknowledge our mistake or incivility and apologize, the situation has the potential to strengthen a relationship and even become a learning opportunity.

All parents make mistakes while interacting with our children, we are only human, how we chose to deal with those mistakes will impact the level of respect our children not only have for us but for themselves.

In Intentional Parent anxiety, apology, frustration, resepctful, respect